RICHMOND, Va. — Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, the Republican candidate for Governor, today announced a bold new proposal, promising that if elected, he would ban any and all sexual acts from being performed anywhere at anytime within the State of Virginia.
“My new No Sex For Anyone policy will protect millions of Virginian children from sexual predators by ensuring that they are not, in fact, ever born,” announced Cuccinelli. “If my Democratic opponent dares to oppose this policy, then it is obvious that he’s only interested in protecting the rights of child molesters.”
Today’s announcement comes on the heels of Cuccineli’s recent defense of Virginia’s Crimes Against Nature Act, which banned oral and anal sex of any kind and between anyone, including married, consensual adult couples. The Act was struck down by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 4th Circuit as unconstitutional, but Cuccinelli has filed an appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, asking them to overturn the verdict and allow Virginia to outlaw oral and anal sex.
While claiming that the Crimes Against Nature Act is solely intended to protect children from sexual predators, Cuccinelli, then a State Senator, blocked efforts in 2004 to amend the law to allow oral sex between consenting adults. He was refused to say whether or not he has, himself, committed acts that would be illegal under the policy.
Cuccinelli has said that while he intends to pursue his attempt to ban oral sex, he was worried that seekers of pleasure would find ways around his Crimes Against Nature Act, and felt a more stringent, all-encompassing law was needed.
“Some members of my staff were asking me if they could do certain things involving inanimate objects, multiple partners, harnesses, and what have you, and I just finally realized the problem was more widespread than I ever realized,” he said. “I tried to write a law that would keep sex contained to the ‘awkward man on top of bored woman on queen-sized bed in the dark while filled with shame’ act as God intended, but then someone showed me a YouTube clip that ruined even that image. So I said screw it! No sex for anyone, ever!”
Meanwhile, Democratic candidate for Governor Terry McAuliffe unveiled a new policy of his own. “Today, I’d like to tell the good people of Virginia that if elected Governor, I am more than happy to let consenting adults engage in whatever kinky, depraved, sexual things they can dream up. Virginia is for lovers, so start lovin’.”