Cumulus Radio to Drop Limbaugh, Hannity Due to Lack of Lesbians

ATLANTA — In a shocking move that reverberated throughout the radio industry, Cumulus Media Chairman, President, and CEO Lewis Dickey today announced that Cumulus Radio, the second-largest broadcaster in America, will be dropping both Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity from its stations by the end of the year due to the two hosts’ appalling lack of programming centered around the sexual exploits of lesbians.

“While we value Rush and Sean as true radio talents, we can no longer afford to support programs that refuse to contain graphic descriptions of hot girl-on-girl action, which our focus groups have time and again shown to be the only thing anyone listening to talk radio gives a damn about,” said Dickey.

The announcement comes after rumors abounded that Limbaugh was considering ending his relationship with Cumulus himself because he was insulted when Dickey indirectly blamed Limbaugh and his Fluke remarks for Cumulus’s reported $2.4 million first quarter revenue decline.

However, Dickey insisted that the decision to drop the two extreme right-wing radio talk show hosts had nothing to with the concerted effort by the organization StopRush, which began contacting advertisers and asking them to pull their ads from Limbaugh’s show after his infamous on-air remarks degrading Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke in February of 2012. To date the campaign has convinced over 2,600 advertisers to remove their ads from Limbaugh’s show. “No, No. This is about lesbians,” he said. “We need more lesbians.”

Dickey went on to vividly describe the type of programming that scores well in the company’s focus group testing. “Women talking about intimate encounters with other women, about exploring each other’s bodies, about the thrill of discovering ways to pleasure one another without the need of a male. That stuff is ratings gold,” he explained. “Jabbering on about taxes and the national debt? Snoozeville.”

Fellow conservative radio host Mike Huckabee, whose show is being considered as a replacement for Limbaugh’s slot on Cumulus stations, feels it may be time for Limbaugh to step aside. “Yes, Rush has millions of dittoheads tuning in every day to hear him bitch and moan about Democrats and President Obama, but, well, they’re an old audience, and they’re starting to die,” he said. “Kids today want to listen to someone who understands who they are, what they want, and exactly why Obama is evil incarnate. That’s where I come in. That’s what I give them on my show

“That and lesbians,” he added. “Lots and lots of lesbians.”