WOONSOCKET, R.I. – By now, most people have heard that CVS—the largest pharmacy chain in the US—will stop selling tobacco products in all of its 7400 locations. But cigarettes are big business, and according to a statement released by CVS today, the company plans on exploiting new, lax marijuana policies in Colorado and Washington to make up for the huge losses it will take by abandoning tobacco.
CVS Senior Vice President and Chief Information Officer Stephen J. Gold admitted that, when it made the decision to drop tobacco products from its stores, the company “hadn’t quite thought the whole thing through.”
“Look, we knew it was the right thing to do for the nation’s health,” Gold said. “But in our excitement, we forgot to run the numbers—and once we did, several executives literally crapped their pants.”
Gold explained that CVS stands to lose a staggering $2 billion a year by not selling tobacco products in its stores. “We had to find something to replace those profits,” Gold said. “And the obvious answer was ganja.”
Starting on Oct. 1—the day CVS will stop selling tobacco—all of the company’s pharmacies in CO and WA will begin offering marijuana products to its customers. “All kinds of stuff,” Gold explained. “Your standard joints and blunts, plus cookies and hash oil butter—even marijuana mayonnaise and a pot perfume.”
“Starting in October,” Gold said, “if you wanna get high, you better head to CVS. And remember, we will honor any drug dealer’s coupons, not just our own.”
Many are already calling the company hypocritical for its decision to sell pot. According to the company, its plan to stop selling tobacco products was based on its belief that doing so would “help people on their path to better health.” Critics argue that smoking marijuana is also very unhealthy, but Gold defends the decision.
“People have been smoking things for millennia,” he said. “It would be presumptuous to think we can stop all that simply by pulling tobacco products from our shelves.”
“But perhaps we can steer Americans away from a deadly, pointless smoking leaf—that doesn’t even get you high—to one that’s at least somewhat less deadly, and a whole lot more fun along the way.”
7 Comments
Brandon RaiderFace F
Bout time yall recognized the weed realy dont harm ya like them nasty adicting ciggerettes wich all afects suck cancer breathing machin empazima iritation weight and eating issues breath teeth taste I never experienced any good from a cig I been smoking since 94 hardest thing to quit. I smoke green no problem unless its just not strong and ya dont feel nothin. I never seen one bad thing happen with weed besides cops and jail. Even alcohol is bad too. Makes people crazy sad or kill. Now why the hell is cigs and liquor even leagal thats a crime to things that has been killing humans for years. Weed dont have any of that. Just some people shouldnt drive some can but some cant. I smoke weed I get more ideas for music or poetry so I can think so clear.CVS is just tryn to help America. Ciggs and liquor are kiling us and u with that ya as bad as a murderer. I dont even beleive weed is a sin its a plant and people been locked up longer then people with worse like murder. Its all bout the money not American lifes. Thank about it. Weed just frees our minds helps us sleep eat or wake up laugh be silly contemplate meditate. So if u do smoke weed SHUT the F up mind ya own. People mad bout cigs be mad at ya self for smoking. Its our own body and weed is a medicine not a drug. I never heard of a over dose or death now what. That says alot in comparison. Smells better too. So much can be produced like cloths lotions food etc. So lady say ya lost a customer lol if they just say no to weed there be more for me LOL. Go to walgreens and kill ya self smoking ciggs. Stay away from us that love the weed thats been here before u me and our ancesters. HATERS WILL HATE. GET THAT FACTS RIGHT BEFORE U JUDGE. AND YA NOT THE ONLY ONE NOT GOIN TO CVS. WELL IM NOT THE ONLY POT HEAD THERES A MILLION OF US SO STAY IN YA LANE OUT OF OUR PLEASE AND THANK U. WOMAN!.Free weed Help America unite get more money with weed ban ciggerettes like they did weed for only bout 70 yrs.well I gotta smoke some green to calm my nerves these haters get me upset ill be laughin in a min forgetting u on to what matters lol
Janet Kraft
Selling marijuana? You just lost a customer CVS and I’m pretty sure I won’t be the only one.
Kevin Cross
way cool…
Eric Duckworth
YES!
Christina Konig
It’s a god given herb that is finally getting it’s good side out and understood, from every medical both physically and mentally the benefits out weigh the down side is emphasized by people that have no clue,or would rather support the devastating facts of alcohol, pot is also the only way I’d see the National debt alleviated and gain for once in American history, besides it would turn around the economy in a heartbeat, the restaurant and food marketing business would explode in customers instantly, the health care situation would ballance, theirs too many factors and costs to deal with alcohol and it’s devastating effects on us all, plus it’s natural what more or less for safer fun, would you rather have your kids getting into synthetic deadlies we know to we’ll, even syzurp, they’ll invent something else then it’s too late, we need to understand the good side of Marijuana and take it one step at a time to see the greatness it’s going to prove of itself, toke up America, and smell the happy!!!!
Ivan Aguilera
fuck ya bish
Barbara Gerber-Ayala
I thought it was dumb to quit selling cigarettes. If that were the case take the pharmacy out of CVS because so many people die from prescription drugs. Then take the alcohol out of all CVS’s because many people are addicted and turn abusive beat their families and die and early death. Well CVS didn’t get a retail Licenses in WA so all this is just a hoax.
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