DARPA to Explore Military Applications of Sizzurp

ARLINGTON, Va. — According to a leaked memo circulating online, the United States will soon begin conducting research to explore potential military applications for Sizzurp, the drug-laced drink made popular by the hip-hop world. The memo, written by DARPA director Dr. Arati Prabhakar, explains the decision by saying that anything “powerful enough to almost kill Lil’ Wayne—a veritable typhoon of drug abuse—cannot be overlooked as a potentially devastating weapon.”

Dr. Prabhakar said that Sizzurp—which, in its most common form, is a mixture of codeine cough syrup, fruit flavored soda and dissolved Jolly Ranchers—has certain qualities that might make it a “valuable tool in 21st century warfare.” “For example,” she wrote. “It might be introduced into the enemy’s water supply, rendering combatants incapable of forming a coherent thought, let alone rigging an IED.”

Experts say that Sizzurp’s “breathtakingly high sugar content” might also be used to incapacitate America’s enemies by “giving them all diabetes, which might lead to amputated feet, or at least morbid obesity, either of which would make them unsuitable for combat.”

DARPA—the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency—is a semi-independent branch of the Department of Defense responsible for developing new and often strange or unorthodox technologies that might be used by American military forces, and has an annual budget of about $3.4 billion. Its past work has directly contributed to the creation of ubiquitous technologies like the internet and GPS, as well as unmanned drones and a “military robot dog”.

The agency hopes that Sizzurp—an overdose of which left rapper and leprechaun impersonator Lil’ Wayne, aka Lil’ Weezy, in critical condition last week—will be “the next game-changing innovation.” “We foresee a future in which America’s enemies are too busy rap-battling each other and cruising for hoes to launch attacks against our interests.”

“If all else fails,” Dr. Prabhakar wrote, “Sizzurp—which seems to cause euphoria and complacency—might be used to boost morale for American troops, especially those emotionally and physically exhausted by their fifth or sixth consecutive tour of duty.”