Mayor de Blasio Offers Full-Body Scanner Option in Place of Stop-and-Frisk

NEW YORK – In an effort to settle New York City’s multi-year legal battle over its police department’s contentious stop-and-frisk practices, Mayor Bill de Blasio today announced the city would drop its appeal and adopt reforms ordered by a federal judge. The measures include, among other things, a move toward full-body scans of any citizen who is stopped by the police on the street.

Under the new protocol, police officers can no longer perform an invasive pat down on individuals suspected of criminal activity. Instead, they are urged to perform full-body scans in the back of a police cruiser. The specially crafted X-ray machines, which provide a “welcome alternative to rogue police tactics,” are smaller versions of the scanners used by the TSA.

We’re here today to turn the page on one of the most divisive problems in our city,” Mr. de Blasio told a throng of reporters at the Brownsville Recreation Center in a Brooklyn neighborhood that saw more stop-and-frisks in 2010 than any other location in the city.

“No longer will we allow our African-American and Latino populations to be awkwardly groped and caressed by the meaty paws of a middle-aged, white cop with an axe to grind. Now, they will undergo a more hands-off form of humiliation in the name of public safety.”

Former NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly, who served under Mayor Michael Bloomberg, doesn’t believe the stop-and-scan tactics will do anything to allay the concerns of New York City minorities.

“All I know is that going through those body scanners at the airport is a giant pain the ass,” said Kelly. “I don’t see it any being any different in the back of a police cruiser. Although, there is one advantage: cops won’t be forced to stick their hands up some poor guy’s ass digging for a stash of cocaine. It’ll luckily be right there on the monitor, saving everyone involved a lot of heartache and latex. So there’s that.”

The stop-and-scan strategy will officially commence in June 2015, when all NYPD cars are equipped with the necessary equipment. Until then, officers are urged to “fight all their most basic instincts” and search minorities only when it appears they’re actually committing a crime, and “not just standing there.”