De Blasio Announces White House Bid; Clinton, Republicans Struggle to Respond

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has decided to accept the endorsement of State GOP Chairman Ed Cox and throw his hat into the ring for the 2016 Democratic nomination.

The official announcement came yesterday via a tweet from his son Dante, who became wildly popular after a commercial he starred in during his father’s mayoral campaign. Dante has maintained his favorability amongst New Yorkers by being a consistent advocate for snow days. The tweet was sent at 11:11am yesterday and read “#DBinDC.” It was retweeted 3,352,985 times.

“I was thrilled to earn the support of Mr. Cox. I graciously accept his nomination to run for President,” Mr. de Blasio said today at a press conference. He talked about a tale of two cities, one on each side of the aisle and how he hopes to bridge that gap, before heading into his local Chipotle to order a burrito bowl with sofritas. He was apparently shocked to learn that guacamole costs extra, which the Clinton campaign called “proof he’s out of touch.”

A spokeswoman for Hillary for America said she’s not worried about losing young voters to the notoriously hip NYC mayor. She then confirmed Mrs. Clinton was on a plane to London to meet with recently departed One Direction member Zayn Malik to speak about the future of the band.

Within New York, de Blasio is perhaps most famous for speaking better Spanish than Michael Bloomberg; for an aversion to punctuality, and for being the least cool member of his nuclear family.

Outside of the city, he is known for being extremely tall and having fantastic hair in high school.

Republican response has been slow for the most part. Both Rand Paul’s and Ted Cruz’s offices did not return our request for comment, as both are reportedly focused on rewriting all of the emails scheduled to go out to supporters that contain gender-specific pronouns.

Donald Trump told Fox & Friends this morning that if elected, de Blasio will turn the country into “one big marijuana village with no police force.”

According to sources close to his campaign, Marco Rubio is formulating a series of ads attacking the taste of New York City tap water. When contacted for comment, Scott Walker’s office deffered us to his new spokesman, David Koch. The only official response from the right has come from former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, who responded with a Vine video in which he turns his back to the camera.

There’s no word on who will takeover the mayorship of New York during the campaign, but there have been multiple reports of Michael Bloomberg lurking around City Hall.

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