NEW YORK – A snowstorm that began Thursday night brought heavy snow and winds throughout the evening—just a day after Mayor de Blasio was sworn into office. Former Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, pridefully refused the hundreds of snowplows and salt spreaders de Blasio had sent out overnight. He is currently buried in his own home, authorities say.
It is still unknown how one could get trapped in a beautiful 5-story townhouse on the Upper East Side with only 6 inches of snowfall. However, after seeing the way in which he handled the 2010 nor’easter, nobody questioned it.
Many schools and businesses have closed down, giving numerous people a pleasant snow-day. Waking up to a winter wonderland that blanketed the city’s dirt and grime has caused a widespread self-deception that the city is in fact cleaner than it actually is. Several people have already died of dysentery from attempting to eat the fallen snow.
However, the snowstorm has some in a panic.
“This is the worst thing to ever happen in New York City history.” Said recent NYC transplant and Australian native, Danny Gutiero, “I can’t believe any of us survived.”
Buffalo, New York merely snickered.