WASHINGTON – Michele Leonhart, head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, announced today that she was personally opening an investigation into whether or not President Barack Obama has been using an illegal drug, specifically marijuana, during his second term as president of the United States. Leonhart opened the investigations after the Obama administration announced its support of the Smart Sentences Act, which would lower the length of mandatory minimum sentences for federal drug crimes.

“Having been in law enforcement as an agent for 33 years, [and] a Baltimore City police officer before that, I can tell you that for me and for the agents that work for DEA, mandatory minimums have been very important to our investigations,” Leonhart said before the Senate Judiciary Committee last week. “We depend on those as a way to ensure that the right sentences are going to the … level of violator we are going after. For the president to suggest lowering these minimums—well it’s highly suspicious and something I’m going to be looking into.”

Leonhart, who has been with the DEA since 1980, has claimed that the legalization of marijuana in Colorado and Washington has led to gangs taking over those two states– something for which she blames the president. “I pleaded with the president to put a stop to those ballot measures. Anyone who smokes marijuana even once turns into a hardened criminal,” she said. “When he refused to intervene I knew he was up to something. Or perhaps on something.”

But the real tip-off for Leonhart came in January, when Obama told the New Yorker that he felt marijuana isn’t as harmful as opponents have made it out to be. “As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life,” said the president. “I don’t think [marijuana] is more dangerous than alcohol.”

“That was when I knew,” said Leonhart. “This president cannot lead us to victory in the War on Drugs because this president is a double agent working for the drugs. I will find the evidence, I will convict him on federal drug charges, and I will send his dirty-hippy, pot-smoking ass to prison.”