Death Row Inmates to Begin Patrolling Arizona Schools

PHOENIX — In response to the recent wave of public shootings, every school Arizona will be patrolled by what Sheriff Joe Arpaio has called “a super chain gang” made up of death row inmates who have all served at least seven years.

According to the official statement released by the Sheriff’s Department, any death row inmate, regardless of crime, is eligible for a patrol position unless they’re Mexican, as long as they’ve served at least seven years and haven’t become “born-again do-gooders.” However, patrol duty is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. When the convicts’ shifts are up; no matter how many school shootings they stopped, lives they saved, or children they helped cross the street; they’re going right back to death row – no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

“I don’t want a bunch of pussies out there being nice to little kids,” said Sheriff Arpaio. “I want everyone to be scared about school. This isn’t a game! If somebody walks into an Arizona school with a gun, they better be ready to fight a pack of starving death row inmates. I’m not feeding any of them until they get a kill.”

Despite almost every criminal currently behind bars in Arizona being eligible for the patrol position, the Sheriff’s department released several qualities they are looking for in an ideal patrol member. These include anybody who has killed multiple people with their bare hands, gun and knife users who have killed at least five women and children in their lives, and child rapists who, according to Sheriff Arpaio, are especially qualified to get inside the mind of a school shooter.

“We want the baddest motherfuckers on the planet keeping our children safe,” said Sheriff Arpaio. “When people think about shooting up a school in Arizona, we want them to know it’s like breaking into Gutanamo Bay and killing a bunch of terrorists before they even see a teacher or student. And I’m working on bringing some terrorists over here, too.”

Most patrol members will come from Maricopa Jail in Phoenix, widely known to be one of the worst jails on the planet. With its tent city and 165-degree temperatures, living conditions at the jail were ruled unconstitutional in 2008 and 2010, and its death row avenues are reserved for the most ruthless criminals in the country.

When asked what he hoped this new measure would accomplish, Sheriff Arpaio simply said, “Arizona is not to be fucked with!”