Deficit, Idiocy Hit Five-Year Lows

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — The overall level of idiocy in the United States dropped significantly in the first seven months of 2013, a trend that experts are attributing to the federal deficit hitting a five-year low. The deficit—which, when high, is known to cause irrational panic and general stupidity—is on pace to be almost 40% lower than last year, according to the Congressional Budget Office (CBO).

“There’s a strong, positive correlation between the size of the federal deficit and the preponderance of idiocy in the United States,” said Arthur Bell, professor of political science at Northwestern. “We’re still investigating the precise cause of this relationship, but it’s a proven fact that the higher the deficit gets, the more Americans lose their minds and do totally dipshit things, like identify as members of the Tea Party.”

Bell says that fewer Americans are now organizing imbecilic rallies to protest delusional, made-up problems or supporting half-wit politicians like Michele Bachmann—which is a direct result of the closing deficit.

On Monday the CBO announced that the projected deficit for fiscal year 2013 (which ends in September) is about $400 billion lower than it was last year. Experts attribute the massive drop to “steady economic growth, higher tax revenue, lower government spending and increased dividends from mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,” and say that there are roughly 476,000 fewer dumb bastards walking around as a result.

Gary Packer, 59, a former political protester in Columbus, Ohio, admits to having been swept up in deficit-triggered dimwittedness in recent years. “Every time I thought about the deficit being over $1 trillion, this dopey feeling would come over me, and suddenly I’d find myself at a town hall meeting, waving a sign that said ‘GET GOVERNMENT OUT OF MEDECINE,'” Packer recalled.

“Now I see that the deficit is a concern,” Packer said, “but not the apocalypse.”

Professor Bell, however, warned that there is still an alarming amount of dumbfuckery afoot in the United States. “The deficit is still large and untenable, at least in the long term,” Bell said. “As is the number of shitheads out there waving signs about communism and birth certificates. They might be less visible, but those morons are still among us, and some of them are in Congress, threatening not to raise the debt ceiling.”