Delaware Legalizes Marriage Between Corporate Persons

DOVER, Del.—Corporate persons in Delaware are rejoicing today after Governor Jack Markell signed a bill officially recognizing marriage between corporations.

“For too long corporations have been treated like second class citizens,” said Amy Haggardy, spokesperson for Corporations for Marriage Equality, on the steps of the Delaware statehouse. “Worse, in fact! They’ve been treated like gay citizens. But today Delaware makes history by recognizing that corporations are entitled to the same rights as all straight Americans.”

But the law has invited staunch opposition from groups who defend a traditional conception of marriage. “Corporations can’t make a child,” argued Pat Robertson on Monday’s “700 Club.” “The plumbing just doesn’t work that way.”

“When corporations merge, it’s not just about procreation,” defended Haggard in her remarks this morning. “Corporate mergers aren’t always about generating new start-ups. It’s about the fiscal act of love-making we call ‘synergy.’”

Corporate marriage stands to be a wedge issue for Republicans, who favor both traditional marriage and extending civil rights to the Fortune 500. At a whistle-stop rally in Florida yesterday, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney came out in favor of the bill.

“Marriage always has been between one man—or man-shaped corporation—and one woman. It’s a formula that has stood the test of time and deserves legal recognition.”

Critics warn the change in legislation is a slippery slope that will embolden advocates for polygamist corporate marriage. The issue ignited controversy for Romney, who formerly endorsed corporate polygamy. While governor of Massachusetts, Romney supported the right of corporations to form conglomerates with as many as twelve members.

But back in Delaware, corporations would not let their detractors dampen this achievement. Corporate persons say that, thanks to this legislation, they can finally be themselves. Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson made a stunning admission in the wake of bill’s passing. “We’re not just roommates,” said Tillerson of the two oil giants cohabitating in their Irving, Texas headquarters. “We’re in a loving, monopolist relationship, and we don’t care who knows it.”