Dems, GOP Give Up On 2016 After Announcement of Ventura/Stern Ticket

WASHINGTON – The news that former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura is planning to ask Sirius XM Radio host Howard Stern to run as his Vice Presidential candidate in 2016 sent shock waves throughout the political world this week. In direct response to the highly-anticipated pairing, a number of prominent 2016 Presidential hopefuls threw in the towel. These included former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, Vice President Job Biden and GOP Senators Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz.

“My friends, it is with a heavy heart today that I give up on any thought of running for President in 2016,” said a tearful Clinton to a standing-room-only crowd of young men and women who could only hug one another and weep. “Between Governor Ventura’s prowess as a no-holds-barred political candidate and Howard’s ability to self-finance their campaign, I simply see no possible path to victory.”

“I wish President Ventura the best,” she added.

The rash of Democratic and Republican front-runners abandoning the race came with minutes of Ventura’s appearance on the highly-influential Alex Jones radio program. The former governor and professional wrestler strongly hinted to Jones that he’d be offering the VP position to Stern, and he fully expected the offer to be accepted. It would not be Stern’s first foray into politics. He accepted the Libertarian Party’s candidacy for Governor of New York in 1994, but dropped out of the race rather than file financial disclosure forms.

Asked about working with Ventura, Stern was as coy as ever. “Jesse Ventura asked me to be his vice presidential running mate, which is probably the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard,” he said on his show. “Yet it seems to be catching on somewhat.”

Texas Senator Ted Cruz, long considered the Tea Party Presidential favorite in 2016, seemed stunned by the news. “I really thought I had 2016 in the bag,” he said. “But the instant Jesse and Howard joined forces, the Tea Party dropped me like yesterday’s news. And after I did all that work trying to derail Obamacare for them, too. I feel so betrayed.”

“Look, I’ll be straight with you,” said Vice President Biden. “Nobody can compete against a Ventura/Stern ticket. Nobody. Think of all the free media Stern gets. I’m the friggin’ Vice President of the United States and Howard beats me two-to-one in name recognition.”

Biden was referring to the fact that Stern’s Sirius XM radio show, which makes close to $100 million each year, does not fall under FCC regulations regarding restrictions on candidates broadcasting during campaigns. Stern could potentially continue to air his program, which reaches millions of voters each day, while running for office.

Florida GOP Senator Marco Rubio seemed to take the news hardest of all. “I sold out my heritage so I could be President,” he explained. “Then along comes a man who pretended to slap sweaty men while wearing a Speedo and a guy who loves talking to lesbians and my dream is shattered.”

He paused and sniffled a few times before added, “God damn this country.”