Dept. of Interior to Forcibly Evict Wildlife From National Parks Amid Budget Cuts

SHENANDOAH NATIONAL PARK, Va. — Facing the reality of enormous spending cuts due to the budget sequester, national parks will be evicting animals from their habitats this week in an effort to reduce costs. Hundreds of park services will be cut by 5% across the board, decimating the parks’ abilities to service humans, and leaving many animals without options.

Commentators fear this act has caused them to “see the writing on the walls, or carved in the oak at the heart of the forest” for the park services programs. Many forest creatures could not understand how Congress could allow the reduction of such a cherished part of American national pride.

“I’ve been through worse. I know I’ll be fine living in a suburban dumpster,” Flower Whiteblossom, mom of eighteen, told reporters yesterday as she navigated a Target parking lot. “But I’m worried about what effect these budget cuts will have on my children. I’ve heard that asthma rates are higher in low-income urban bunny-housing, and I wonder if Congress has anticipated what broader consequences this will have on health-care costs.”

Despite the fact that the national park system is actually a moneymaking venture – returning about ten dollars for every dollar taxpayers invest in them – Republican representatives disparaged the parks and their “freeloading fox kits” earlier this month in a congressional hearing. Dr. Grumbles, a short-snouted black bear, protested the move. “Yellowstone alone made $333 million dollars this last year,” he growled. “The parks provide a valuable service, create thousands of jobs, and contribute significantly to the economy. Plus, rangers never shoot my ass full of tranq’ darts the way city cops do.”