Detroit Orders Fighter Jets In Effort to Reduce Violence

DETROIT — The Detroit Police Department announced today that they would be purchasing 12 F-22 fighter jets from the Department of Defense, after months of negotiations.

The aircraft will be used primarily to enforce speed limits and reduce crime, according to Mayor Mike Duggan.

“The people of Detroit are always complaining about wait times when they call the police,” said Detroit Police Chief James Craig. “What we have here is a genuine need for speed. Well, not much is faster than a fighter jet.”

The development follows recent news that the Pentagon has given the city a 1970 Bell Helicopter under a program called “Military Support to Civil Authorities.”

“Having a chopper is nice,” said Craig, “but nothing strikes fear into the heart of the enemy like a sweet, sweet war bird screaming across the sky, armed to the teeth with missiles, bombs, guns… hell, I don’t even know what’s on those suckers. But did you ever see that Tom Cruise movie about the airplanes and the volleyball and all that? Now, that’s what I’m talking about.”

Mayor Duggan disagrees. “I was picturing more of an ‘Iron Eagle III’ scenario,” he told Newslo.

Under the Obama administration, the U.S. Military has already transferred hundreds of thousands of machine guns, as well as hundreds of armored vehicles and aircraft, to local police departments.

When asked how the city plans to pay for maintenance and fuel for the aircraft, Craig said, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Detroit has a rich history of kicking the can down the road.”