Detroit Mayor Convicted of Being Mayor of Detroit

DETROIT — Kwame Kilpatrick was found guilty today of being the mayor of Detroit, a job that experts say is inherently, unavoidably criminal. Kilpatrick, 42, will likely spend the next several decades in prison, where prosecutors say they hope he will reflect on his choices, and serve as a deterrent to others who have “thought about heading down the dark path to Detroit’s highest office.”

The verdict comes at the end of a long and highly publicized trial in which prosecutors argued that Mr. Kilpatrick used his office exactly the way anyone would by engaging in an extensive list of crimes, including racketeering and extortion. “When Mr. Kilpatrick decided to run for office, his fate was already sealed,” said Barbara McQuade, US District Attorney. “Perhaps he believed he could act as mayor of a cesspool like Detroit and not end up a felon, but, if so, he was wildly mistaken.”

Mr. Kilpatrick’s defense team argued that their client had never been the mayor of Detroit, and was in fact being framed. “Kwame is a respectable, decent man,” Kilpatrick’s lawyer, James C. Thomas, said in his opening statement. “He would never stoop to being mayor of Detroit, the most decrepit and vile city on Earth.”

But jurors were not convinced. “I distinctly remember voting for [Mr. Kilpatrick] and watching him being sworn in on TV,” said Juror #5, who asked for his name to be withheld. “Clearly, he was the man who for six years acted as leader of the Motor City. I hope he rots in hell.”

Experts say that it’s “pretty much impossible” to be mayor of a corruption-plagued city like Detroit and not “get your hands so dirty they look you’ve been juggling feces.” Bryan Reeder, professor of contemporary anthropology at the University of Michigan, said, “Maybe we should be praising Kilpatrick. It’s a wonder he didn’t kill anybody. It would have been totally expected.”

Upon hearing the verdict, current Detroit mayor Dave Bing turned himself into police, saying through a lawyer, “I, too, am guilty of mayoring over this dog carcass of a city. I’m ready to pay my debt to society.”

Mr. Kilpatrick’s lawyers said their client seemed relieved that the trial was finally over and excited to begin his new life behind bars. “No prison, however violent and horrific, can match the nightmare of being a resident of Detroit—let alone its mayor.”