Ted Cruz Demands To See Donald Trump’s “Dick Certificate”

Now that Donald Trump has become the first presidential candidate to vigorously defend the size of his penis on live national television, Ted Cruz is demanding documentation. During Thursday night’s debate, as American civility entered a fresh circle of hell, Trump came to the defense of his suspiciously tiny hands after a jab from Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.). “He referred to my hands, ‘if they’re small, something else must be small,’” Trump said. “I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.” And since Trump has previously called on Cruz to pursue a declaratory judgment on whether he can run for president after being born in Canada to an American-born mother and Cuban-born father, Sen. Cruz has decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

“Ladies and gentlemen, what he have here is a man who has on several occasions demanded similar types of documentation from myself, as well as President Barack Obama. Now, I believe that it’s only fair that we are allowed insight into the same type of document that pertains to the size of Donald Trump’s penis. That being said, I have to emphasize: as a conservative politician who opposes same-sex marriage and all things gay, I am not requesting this piece of paper for any personal motives whatsoever. The only reason behind this is the fact that I believe we should be fair even in politics, and if we were forced to produce such certificates, I don’t see why Donald Trump should be an exception,” Cruz explained.

He added: “Although Donald Trump is often characterized as someone who has ‘big cojones,’ I have to tell you, and I’ve consulted several physicians about this, that the size of a man’s testicles does not at all have to be proportional to the size of his penis. So, let me put it this way: even if the cojones part is true in the case of Donald Trump, that does not guarantee that he is endowed in other aspects. So, it’s possible that he’s over-compensating for a small penis by being too loud and insulting everyone, but I say again – it’s all speculation, for now. I’ll even go so far as to say that Trump’s Dick Certificate doesn’t even have to be notarized. I just want to see for myself if Rubio’s theory is true.”

“Although, maybe we’re looking at this the wrong way,” Cruz opined. “Maybe we’re knocking on the wrong door. Maybe we should be talking to his wife about this. Melania, was it? Right, well, I hereby publically call to Mrs. Melania Trump to deliver an official, but not necessarily notarized, Dick Certificate belonging to her husband, Donald Trump, so that the American public can see for itself whether or not Trump has got what it takes (quite literally) to run this country the way it’s supposed to be run. Many of us were called out about similar certificates; now it’s Trump’s time. And just for the record, I would like to point out that nobody is that angry all the time for no reason. I’m just sayin’.”