Dick Cheney: Here’s Some Other Wars We Could Restart

Editor’s Note: In today’s Wall Street Journal, former Vice President Dick Cheney, writing with his daughter Liz, blamed the current turmoil in Iraq on incompetence and mistakes made by President Obama, and said that “rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many.” The crux of the Cheneys’ argument is that Obama, in pulling troops from Iraq and failing to leave behind residual forces, created a situation that would inevitably lead to political turmoil and violence. They also seem to argue in favor of the United States restarting military operations in Iraq. We invited Dick Cheney to discuss some other wars that America could benefit from beginning anew.

Afghanistan 

Obviously, the war in Afghanistan hasn’t officially ended, even though Obama, in another display of flagrant idiocy, has promised to wind down military operations there. This would be a horrible mistake. In fact, I believe that the United States should start over in Afghanistan. Do you remember the first few months of the war, way back in late 2001 and early 2002? We came in hard and strong, and we decimated the Taliban. They were running scared, cowering in their caves before our righteous Tomahawk missiles! Sure, that didn’t last long—but man, what a time! Personally, I’d love to live that over again, and I know a lot of people agree with me. So I propose we pull out of Afghanistan for a month or two, then head straight back in, guns blazin’. Call it a do-over if you will, but I know things will work out differently this time.

Vietnam

In America, we win wars. We don’t run away when things get tough, and we certainly don’t make total fools of ourselves by getting beat by a bunch of tiny Vietnamese men hiding in the bushes like squirrels. Yes, we sank a lot of lives and a lot of money in that campaign in Southeast Asia, but we were fighting the good fight. And now Charlie’s out there out there, laughing at us for running away. Frankly, I have no idea what’s been going on in Vietnam since 1975, and I can bet you don’t either. Which is all the more reason to reignite that old rivalry! Once America invades, the whole world will finally pay attention to the Vietnamese again, which I’m sure they’ll love. They’ll practically greet us as liberators, I’ll bet.

The Cold War

I was Secretary of Defense back in ’91 when the Soviet Union collapsed. At the time, it felt like a great victory. We had defeated the Red Tide, the great beast behind the Iron Curtain! Man, we partied it up after that one! But over the years, the end of the Cold War has troubled me increasingly. I mean, what did we do, really? Was it something America did that brought down those Commies, or did it just sort of happen, on its own? In retrospect, the whole thing kind of feels… anticlimactic. No big showdown, no grand finale. It just kind of fizzled out. But hey, it’s not too late! The Russians have been acting pretty tough lately, and wouldn’t it fun to put them back in their place—this time really show them who is boss? I’m not saying we should nuke Moscow tomorrow—but I’m not not saying that either.

The Hundred Years’ War

Sadly, America was not involved in the Hundred Years’ War the first time around, mostly because we weren’t a country yet. And while a medieval dynastic disagreement over the true heir to the French throne may not be high on the list of American foreign interests, I still think we should have gotten a shot at this one. I mean, this was the longest war in human history, and America—the greatest warrin’ nation of all time—wasn’t even involved in it! No—it doesn’t make sense. Like I said in the WSJ this morning, Obama seems intent on bringing American down a peg before he leaves office, and his failure to reignite the Hundred Years’ War is just another example of his complete and total lack of American Pride. If he loves this country, like I do, he’ll be restaging the 1346 Battle of Crécy before the midterm elections. Any less would be treason, in my book.