UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Just days after the public opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas, Dick Cheney and a cadre of close advisors celebrated the opening of the Dick Cheney Presidential Library today at an undisclosed location built into a mountain somewhere deep in the Rockies.
Speaking to an assembly of hand-picked reporters who were blindfolded for their trip to the secret locale, Cheney expressed his desire to see the Library serve as a testament to the decisions he made while running the country as Vice-President from 2001-2009. “While W is getting more of the attention, it is fitting that we meet here today, away from prying eyes, to celebrate all that we were able to accomplish behind closed doors.”
Dignitaries were treated to a tour of a replica of the office where Cheney & Power Company CEO’s set the country’s energy policy in the Spring of 2001, as well as a black ops prison that Cheney helped authorize, resulting in the torture of an unknown number of people. The event reportedly went over well. “Really took me back to the good ol’ days,” said Scooter Libby, who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice while working for the Vice President. “Worth breaking the law over,” he added with a smile.
To commemorate the occasion, each attendee was given a special Cheney Library pin that will track their movements and record their every conversation.
The Library’s other attractions include a booth where visitors can stick their hand into a George W. Bush puppet and make it say what they want, toilets & urinals lined with copies of the Bill of Rights, and the Shoot-A-Friend-in-The-Face Range.
Cheney said he hopes the Library will stand as a testament to his belief that “a few dedicated people can really change the world.”