NAACP to Honor Donald Sterling with ‘Lifetime Human Feces Award’

LOS ANGELES – Embattled NBA owner Donald Sterling will not earn a lifetime achievement award from the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. He will instead be honored with a lifetime human feces award, a new honor created specifically for him, the organization said Saturday.

The decision to present Sterling with this “far more germane award” comes in the wake of Sterling’s alleged racist comments, which were bought to light last week thanks to an audio recording leaked to TMZ. The recording includes a conversation between Sterling and his then-girlfriend V. Stiviano, during which he derides her for posting Instagram photos of herself with black players.

“Admire him, bring him here, feed him, (expletive) him, I don’t care. You can do anything. But don’t put him on an Instagram for the world to have to see so they have to call me. And don’t bring him to my games, okay?” says a man reputed to be Sterling in the recording.

The comments have caused a severe backlash, with many influential NBA figures calling for him to relinquish his team. Despite the outpouring of vitriol towards Sterling from non-racist individuals across the country, the NAACP wanted to find a way to honor him, and so the lifetime human feces award was created.

“Normally we would have just contacted him to tell him he would not be receiving his lifetime achievement award. We would then release a statement to the press, and that would be that,” says Lorraine Miller, the interim vice president of the NAACP. “But Donald Sterling is such a gigantic piece of human shit, it just didn’t feel right.We had to find some way to honor him for his ludicrously bigoted statements.”

Miller called the racism exhibited by Sterling “truly impressive,” noting that it was not typical of today’s racism, but was indeed genuine “1800s plantation-level bullshit.”

“He tries to make it sound as though paying black people money in exchange for work is somehow charitable,” says Miller at a press conference. “It’s comments like that that made us want to salute him in some way. I mean, it’s really amazing, it’s almost as though Jimmy the Greek and Mel Gibson got together and gave anal birth to this scumbag.”

The award will be presented by the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP during a banquet on May 15. It is considered unlikely that Sterling will be in attendance.