Donald Trump: “I Am The Only Candidate Supported By World Leaders Kimmie And Vlad”

North Korean state media has praised US presidential hopeful Donald Trump, describing him as a “wise politician” and “far-sighted candidate” who could help unify the Korean peninsula. An editorial in DPRK Today, an official media outlet, welcomed the Republican presidential candidate’s proposal to hold direct talks with Kim Jong-un, saying he could help bring about Pyongyang’s “Yankee go home” policy. “There are many positive aspects to Trump’s ‘inflammatory policies,’” wrote Han Yong-mook, who described himself as a Chinese North Korean scholar.

“I honestly don’t know why everybody’s so damn surprised,” the real estate billionaire commented on the North Korean editorial. “Truth be told, I’m pretty much the only guy alive who’s a presidential candidate and, at the same time, supported by Vlad and now Kimmie. I’m not much for history myself, but I’d say that’s pretty impressive, considering no one has been able to get all three sides on the same ball-court for decades.”

He added, “Does this mean I’m going to be eating borsch and drinking soju with the guys? Honestly, I wouldn’t mind that, at all. And I know everybody is going to be grabbing my throat for saying it out loud, but I happen to think differently than my predecessors. I mean, even Obama cleaned up his act and lifted the Cuban embargo. It’s about time we started making friends in the world, instead of just producing enemies. And let me tell you – the only people I won’t be drinking buddies with are the Chinese. That is, I might consider it, if they agree to give us our jobs back peacefully. If not, the only think they’ll be drinking is radioactive water, if you know what I mean.”

Asked whether he plans to tear up current U.S. policy postulates if he becomes president, the media mogul replied, “You know something? I don’t look at it that way. Will I be making the best possible decisions for this country? You better believe it. Will those decisions be strange or seemingly wrong at first? Quite possibly. But we can’t go forward unless we get out of our comfort zone. I’ve been doing just that by running for President. See what I mean? I’ve done great so far. And if we want this country to survive, that’s what need to do as a nation as well. If that means having to watch a friendly game of polo with a dead sheep for a ball, like Rambo did in part 3 of the movie, than rest assured I’ll suck it up and take one for the team.”

When corrected by the interviewer, saying that the story of Rambo 3 takes place in Afghanistan and not North Korea, Trump replied, “You know what I meant.” “Besides,” he added, “I hear they take kindly to foreigners’ gestures of respect over there. I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve got this idea to get a haircut just like Kimmie’s. I think it’d look good, my wife might like it, and he would probably consider it an act of friendship. Plus, I’m getting a bit tired of the ‘Labrador-head’ jokes. And just to make it clear – I’m not going for Vlad’s haircut for obvious reasons. Plus, we’ve been good with Russia since ’91. It’s time to heal other parts of the world.”