Dora The Explorer Caught Smuggling Heroin Into U.S.

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico — Unassuming adventurer Dora the Explorer is being held without bail at the Eloy Detention Center after border patrol agents caught the eight-year-old attempting to smuggle over fifty kilos of heroin into the United States.

Dora Marquez and her pet monkey Boots were first spotted crossing the Rio Grande on a makeshift raft that contained over $5 million worth of narcotics. When arrested and later questioned, the TV star refused to speak and only referenced a tattoo on her left-shoulder that she received in prison.

“She spat in my face and wouldn’t talk,” said Yuma county sheriff Thomas Dearmind. “Even after we found an Uzi in her backpack and two balloons of dope up her ass — nothing.”

The young explorer is allegedly at the heart of a heroin-smuggling operation that reaches as far as Seattle, Washington. A spokesman for the DEA told Newslo in a statement: “As facts continue to pour in, we have reasonable cause to believe Dora’s television show was just a front for a ruthless career of violence and drug-trafficking.”

Dora’s arrest underlines the defiant attitude of drug cartels that have plagued the Mexican nation for decades. Instances of extreme brutality and seemingly uncontrollable violence have forced military intervention in what has essentially become a civil war.

Dora is believed to be responsible for the March murder of cousin Diego Marquez, star of the popular spin-off “Go Diego, Go!” after she discovered he had been double-dealing with a rival cartel.

In related news, the Mexican Federal Police has placed Dora’s longtime rival Swiper the Fox in the Witness Protection Program after detention center officers claimed Dora had ordered a hit on him from inside her cell.