Duct-Tape Hinders Congress’ Attempts to Warn About Next Scandal

WASHINGTON  — U.S. senators on both sides of the political divide held a press conference today in an attempt to warn Americans about something nefarious the Obama administration has been doing — something even worse than the NSA phone-taping scandal, reportedly — but were hampered by the fact that they had all duct-taped their mouths shut to ensure that they did not leak classified information.

“Mmmm mmm mmmm mmmmm,” groaned Sen. Mark Udall, D-Colo., emphatically miming with his hands. “Mmm mmmm mmm. Mmmm!”

Reporters did their best to parse out meaning from the senators’ gestures, shouting out guesses such as “Nuclear!” “Watching all our Skype conversations!” and “Anal rape!” They were ultimately unable to come up with a consensus as to what Udall was trying to convey.

“I think he’s trying to say that the Obama administration has been cloning human children in order to harvest their organs,” said CNN Chief Congressional Correspondent Dana Bash. “Either that or they’ve signed a pact with the forces of Hollow Earth to divvy up the globe. I’m not quite sure which.”

Standing with Udall, equally duct-taped, were Sens. Ron Wyden, D-Ore., and Mark Kirk, R-Ill. The senators are no stranger to futile efforts to alert the public of executive branch overreach without actually alerting the public of executive branch overreach. Udall told The Denver Post that “he did everything short of leaking classified information” to expose the NSA’s controversial phone data collection to the public. Last year, he and Wyden wrote a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder in which they said, in part, “There is now a significant gap between what most Americans think the law allows and what the government secretly claims the law allows.”

Kirk also had attempted to shine some light on the previous scandal when he publicly asked Holder to assure him that members of Congress were not among those whose records were seized, to which Holder replied, “With all due respect, I don’t think this is an appropriate setting to discuss that issue.” Kirk got the hint and reached for the duct-tape soon thereafter.

“It’s obvious that there’s something horrifically wrong going on in the White House,” said FOX News Chief Congressional Correspondent Mike Emanuel. “And while I’m not giving up on the idea that it has something to do with the Muslim Brotherhood, these guys really aren’t helping clarify the issue. Wait, did you see that? The way Wyden blinked? Do you think he’s trying to say [Vice President Joe] Biden’s one of the undead?”

The press conference was interrupted by White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, who stated categorically, “Congress has been fully briefed on any program the administration may or may not be undertaking, particularly any hypothetical program dealing with surveillance, controlling the weather or genetically engineering a race of human-dinosaur hybrids. If any member of Congress has concerns, he or she is free to express them openly.”

Upon hearing this, Wyden ripped the tape off his mouth. “Oh come on, that’s a load of crap and you know it!” he said.

He was instantly tasered.

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