Dunkin’ Donuts Introduces “Mikey-sized” Sodas

NEW YORK — “This one’s for the fatties,” announced Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Nigel Travis, as he poured the entirety of a 140 oz. “Mikey-sized” soda over a customer at the West 3rd St. Dunkin’ Donuts in Manhattan. Today marked the launch of a new soft-drink size in Dunkin’ Donuts around New York City which has drawn the ire from its advocates and awe from its detractors.

The company is celebrating after State Supreme Court Justice Milton A. Tingling Jr. struck down Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s most recent health initiative, which would have limited the size of sugary beverages sold at certain locations in the city.

Tingling Jr. called the law “arbitrary and capricious,” reasoning that the soda ban unfairly targeted certain businesses, which, in turn, unfairly slowed the rate at which a “buttload of soda can be digested.”

Christopher Gindlesperger, a spokesman for the American Beverage Association, said, “Dunkin’ Donuts is harnessing the concept of Freedom with a capital F in the rolling out of this new product.” Taking a long sip of the 140 oz. cola, he added, “It’s giving me a patriotism-induced boner in my gut.”

An outraged Bloomberg pledged to appeal the court’s decision, noting “Hey, as long as we’re not talking about civil liberties violations. Am I right?”

New York City mayoral hopefuls were seen around the city ordering the new “Mikey-sized” sodas. Former Chairman of the MTA Joseph Lhota, reached by phone, commented, “If it sounds like I’m chewing right now it’s because I’m eating some apple pie, taking in some spring training, and pounding a jumbo soda. I have been seeing a lot of happy fat people around the stadium today. Lots of them.”

Commenting on the effects of the ruling for New Yorkers, an unidentified current mayor of New York City said, “You think this affects me? No. I don’t drink soda. Do you know what billionaires drink? I can’t tell you, but I can tell you it’s not fucking soda.”

Seeing an opportunity to accrue some political capital, Janusian New York mayoral candidate Christine Quinn, made an appearance on Piers Morgan Live. Sipping from a 32oz. cup filled with Diet Coke, she told Morgan, “Coca-Cola donated to my campaign in January and they really hope I win. I mean, no. I love soda and freedom. Good ruling. Wait, what was the question?”

Morgan noted that he hadn’t asked a question, to which Quinn responded, “Bloomberg’s totally right; he’s wrong, but you know I support that. Right? He’s right. It’s just wrong, I support him, but he’s wrong. Right? I love that Coke gave me money. But Bloomberg, or soda, it’s wrong even when it feels right, and that’s what side of the issue I’m on.”