Dwight Howard Excited to Take His Petulant Whining to Houston

HOUSTON — “Houston just seemed like the right place for me to demand a trade and get a coach fired,” said new Houston Rockets center Dwight Howard after agreeing to a four-year $88 million contract, “I’m just really grateful for this opportunity to hold a new franchise hostage.”

Howard, who demanded a trade from the Magic, only to waive his right to opt out of his contract, then demanded a trade again, said he currently had no animosity towards current Rocket’s GM Daryl Morey but was looking forward to coming up with new ways to create tension and animosity. The new Rocket’s center is also excited to figure out how to sow dissension among his new team’s talented core.

“James Harden is one heck of a player, but so was Kobe Bryant,” Howard said, “if I can get Kobe pissed at me for lackadaisical play, it’s only a matter of time before Harden gets fed up with my shenanigans.”

Howard also said that he would like to apologize in advance to Houston Rockets fans for figuring out a way to make himself a distraction and derailing the team’s championship aspirations.

“That’s just me,” Howard explained, “if I want to shoot less than fifty percent from the line, like I did last year, or lead the league in technical fouls like I did in 2011, I’m going to do it.”

Howard reiterated that even though he has battled injuries the past couple years, often been out of shape, and seen his game decline, he was still a franchise player.

“If I say I’m worth it, I’m worth it,” Howard reiterated, “facts be damned.”

LeBron James said that he thought Howard’s ability to sabotage a franchise was cute, but didn’t stack up to his team-destroying abilities.

“I mean Howard screwed over the Magic AND the Lakers, but did he ruin the hopes and dreams of those franchises like I did with the Cavaliers?” commented LeBron. “Sorry man, but I’m still the King.”