NEW YORK – Smokers hope for quitting went up in a puff of vapor as City Council voted 43-8 to extend the strict smoking ban to include E-Cigarettes. Mayor Bloomberg, who pushed the measure, cackled with delight exclaiming, “Good luck quitting now, suckers!” The bill bans E-Cigarettes from being used in restaurants, bars, city parks, and anywhere else where smoking is prohibited. E-Cigarette smokers now no longer have an incentive to use the ridiculous looking devices.
46-year-old smoker, Alex Kelly, shivered despondently outside of a Starbucks, while chain-smoking a pack of Menthols. “This was my last ditch effort to quit,” Kelly said between vicious coughs, “If I can’t get my fix indoors, there’s no point in me looking like douchebag using these stupid looking things.”
The ban comes just weeks after New York became the first major city to increase the age of smoking from 18 to 21. A recent poll shows that New York is no longer the greatest city in the world, currently falling behind Jersey City, but still slightly above Trenton.
Christine Quinn stated that scientist can’t yet say whether E-Cigarettes, which are free of tobacco, but give a dose of vaporized nicotine are truly safe. “How do we know anything really?” Quinn said passionately, and then quietly fell into an existential crisis.
Sources revealed that a similar bill is in the works that will effectively ban all decaffeinated beverages, non-alcoholic beers, and mocktails.