Eat Your Way to Innocence! By George Zimmerman

Hi everybody! Georgie boy here. As you may have noticed, I’ve put on a couple pounds lately. Okay, many pounds. Actually, like a hundred. I’m a whale, is what I’m trying to say.

But you probably didn’t know that this was no accident Au contraire my friends. I’ve been larding up my body on purpose. You see, a while back, my attorneys let me in on a little secret. According to them—and a bunch of researchers, too—the fatter I am, the more innocent I’ll seem to a jury. I can’t explain it myself, but apparently people find it difficult to imagine that a blubber-butt like myself would expend the energy necessary to commit a homicide. Who woulda thought? (Fat chicks be warned: This only works for men. For women, the fatter you are, the guiltier you’ll seem).

Anyways, since I heard about this wonderful, jiggly-tit loophole, I’ve been letting myself run a little wild at the ole’ feeding trough, and over the last few months, I’ve discovered a few tricks that I’d like to share with all you would-be murderers out there. The following recipe is Z-man-guaranteed to transform you into a sweat-covered, not-guilty fat-ass in no time!

Chocolate Frozen Chicken Wings

Ingredients: Chocolate, butter, chicken wings, chipotle sauce

Directions:

  1. Combine butter, chocolate, and chipotle sauce in small bowl; set aside.
  2. Thaw wings if frozen. Cover wings in chocolate-chipotle sauce (don’t be afraid to really slop it on there!).
  3. Deep fry wings for ten minutes, or until you feel your bowels voiding in anticipation.
  4. Place wings on cookie sheet; insert into freezer.
  5. Wait 2 hours (but make sure you’re gorging on Doritos in the mean time!)
  6. Remove from freezer (caution: wings will be deep brown in color—resist any urge to shoot them in “self-defense”).
  7. Enjoy!