Hi everybody! Georgie boy here. As you may have noticed, I’ve put on a couple pounds lately. Okay, many pounds. Actually, like a hundred. I’m a whale, is what I’m trying to say.
But you probably didn’t know that this was no accident Au contraire my friends. I’ve been larding up my body on purpose. You see, a while back, my attorneys let me in on a little secret. According to them—and a bunch of researchers, too—the fatter I am, the more innocent I’ll seem to a jury. I can’t explain it myself, but apparently people find it difficult to imagine that a blubber-butt like myself would expend the energy necessary to commit a homicide. Who woulda thought? (Fat chicks be warned: This only works for men. For women, the fatter you are, the guiltier you’ll seem).
Anyways, since I heard about this wonderful, jiggly-tit loophole, I’ve been letting myself run a little wild at the ole’ feeding trough, and over the last few months, I’ve discovered a few tricks that I’d like to share with all you would-be murderers out there. The following recipe is Z-man-guaranteed to transform you into a sweat-covered, not-guilty fat-ass in no time!
Chocolate Frozen Chicken Wings
Ingredients: Chocolate, butter, chicken wings, chipotle sauce
- Combine butter, chocolate, and chipotle sauce in small bowl; set aside.
- Thaw wings if frozen. Cover wings in chocolate-chipotle sauce (don’t be afraid to really slop it on there!).
- Deep fry wings for ten minutes, or until you feel your bowels voiding in anticipation.
- Place wings on cookie sheet; insert into freezer.
- Wait 2 hours (but make sure you’re gorging on Doritos in the mean time!)
- Remove from freezer (caution: wings will be deep brown in color—resist any urge to shoot them in “self-defense”).