CDC: Ebola Not a Threat As Long As Americans Stay Indoors

ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention squashed concerns about an Ebola outbreak in the U.S. when its director, Thomas Frieden, said Thursday that the epidemic poses “little risk” on American soil so long as Americans remain indoors for the foreseeable future.

“We’re confident that we have the situation under control,” said Frieden when discussing the transport of an Ebola-infected American from Liberia to Emory University Hospital in Atlanta. The victim was the first of the recent epidemic to reach U.S. soil.

“As long as our citizens are smart and avoid contact with the outside world,” continued Frieden, “our globally renowned scientists and doctors will be able to combat the possibility of a rapid spread of the disease.”

Frieden urged caution even in instances when people find themselves indoors, however, suggesting they avoid contact with family members, doorknobs, and anything else that may carry strands of the virus responsible for internal bleeding, fever, and death in up to 90 percent of those infected.

“All in all, not too much to ask as we nip this virus in the bud,” said Frieden.

U.S. residents appear to be on board with the CDC’s recent admonition.

“Americans always freak out about these outbreaks,” remarked Ralph Blindo, a resident of Charlotte, N.C., who lives with his two sons and wife. “But nothing ever comes of it. Just gotta be smart and listen to the scientists, who are obviously on top of this Ebola stuff. If that means I have to wear protective gloves or whatever and avoid petting my cat, so be it.”

According to Frieden, people should feel free to leave their homes for the purposes of work, shopping for non-rotted food, and interacting with non-familial humans only after the 21-day Ebola incubation period expires.

“We have a long track record of handling these situations,” said Frieden. “Three weeks from now, I think we’ll see that everything worked out just fine.”

At press time, Blindo reportedly kicked himself repeatedly for failing to purchase his favorite cereal before he commenced his three-week period of isolation at home.