Eco-conscious Monsanto Unveils “Artisanal” Strain of Deathly Pesticide DDT

ST. LOUIS — Looking to take advantage of growing environmentalist movements, chemical giant Monsanto has announced that the re-release of long-banned pesticide DDT. The notorious pesticide will be available on the shelves of neighborhood Whole Foods and farmers’ markets around the country.

The pesticide, short for dichlorodiphenyltrichlorethane, was initially banned in 1957 for having an absurd and unpronounceable name. It was shortened to “DDT” by suppliers and reintroduced to the market in 1961. When biologist Rachel Carson published “Silent Spring” the next year, revealing the terrible effects of the pesticide — such as causing cancer and threatening many kinds of wildlife — the drug was banned in the United States, an act that many see as a catalytic moment in the birth of environmentalism.

But Dawson Herman, chief publicist for Monsanto, insists “This ain’t your grandmother’s DDT, we can promise you that.” In an interview with Newslo, Herman explained that the new “Artisanal DDT” was created by local petro-chemists in small batches “with love, respect, and a little bit of magic — by which I of course mean acaricde dicofol.”

The bottle’s label even carries an endorsement from the late Carson. “All organic…!” her quote boldly reads. Environmental scientists and Carson devotees have hit back at Monsanto for taking the quote out of context, however. In a statement to the press Carson’s estate clarifies the full quotation is in fact, “DDT kills all organic creatures.”