Egypt Convicts Biblical Scholars of Conspiring Against the Pharaoh

CAIRO — In continuation of the new Egyptian government’s propensity to accuse media detractors as enemies of the state, the court is now fixated on the country’s most famous case of bad press—the Bible.

“The Bible paints us as, like, the third worst villains in the Christian faith, only slightly less evil than the devil himself… and, of course, the Jews, who for some reason killed their own Lord Savior? What’s up with that, anyways?” Egyptian president Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi asked, rhetorically.

This development of the Egyptian government’s paranoia comes just after the news that a judge has convicted three journalists from the English-speaking arm of the Al Jazeera network for broadcasting false reports that painted the state in a poor light. The reporters, Mohamed Fahmy, Peter Greste and Baher Mohamed, were each sentenced to serve seven years in prison, even though the judge could not produce any actually incriminating evidence.

“Well here’s my evidence to argue against the biblical scholars who lied about the Egyptian government thousands of years ago,” said el-Sissi, pausing for dramatic effect. “The Jews killed Jesus!—So if we’re keeping score, that’s one savior killed by the Jews and ZERO saviors killed while the Egyptians ruled over the Jews. Just something to think about.”

Interestingly, the judge who presided over the trial that convicted these three journalists of trying to incite student protests, Mohammed Nagi Shehata, wore sunglasses during the verdict either to hide his emotional disagreement with the case or because Egypt wants to be known from here on out as nothing else but the unitary semi-presidential constitutional republic of party.

“We were thinking about retroactively convicting Louis Armstrong of conspiracy for singing that super depressing song, ‘Go Down, Moses.’ If he really knew Egypt, it would be, ‘Get down, Moses, and Boogie!’” said el-Sissi, “Cause Egypt is really such a festive place—and if you disagree, we will throw your ass in a stony prison.”