Egyptian Raids Fail to Yield Any Panties

CAIRO — Massive raids conducted by the Egyptian government led to the deaths of hundreds this week but failed to achieve their prime objective: capturing and securing the panties of former President Mohamed Morsi’s supporters. Disappointed raiders pledged to press on despite this disappointment.

“They have thus far kept from us their most precious panties, but the enemies of peace and democracy are safe nowhere,” said government spokesman Abdel Ehrwad, although his panty-hungry rabble seemed restless and unsatisfied. “The enemies of the revolution will need new underwear!” he added, in what has become a rallying cry for Egyptian idealists.

On Thursday, the death toll in Cairo climbed above 638 as military forces routed and raided the strongholds of the Muslim Brotherhood, an Islamist group closely allied with the recently ousted Morsi. Police arrested several protesters and broke up reportedly peaceful sit-ins.

No witnesses reported seeing authorities cart away boxes – or even handfuls – of activists’ panties.

“The extremists will never take over,” said government gunman Ngozi El-Radames “but I do not wish to harm my fellow citizens any further, only to shame them with the stealing of panties. The only worthwhile raids in history were for that purpose. That’s what I want to be a part of; that’s why I signed up. All this bloodshed accomplishes nothing.”

El-Radames sighed before grumbling halfheartedly: “The enemies of the revolution will need new underwear.”

Muslim Brotherhood supporters struck back on Thursday, storming and torching two government buildings in Giza. Local TV footage showed firefighters evacuating workers from the buildings, and protesters were continuing to organize marches.

There were no reports of those activists making off with any undergarments either.