eHarmony Launches Dating Site for Non-Recovering Alcoholics

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — In an effort to better tailor its services to the needs of its users, online dating website eHarmony has announced the launch of LuvDrunk, a dating site for people with crippling alcoholism and no aspirations of sobriety.

Although its matching algorithm is notably successful in pairing users, eHarmony initially failed to recognize “a surprising number” of clients who can be categorically identified by their repeated attempts at re-registration and a tendency to write “why bother” in the space provided to list future goals. Otherwise, these users outwardly appeared to be completely functional adults, despite spending nearly all of their time in a voluntary state of total inebriation.

“I’m just looking for honesty, you know?” said Richie Barrister, an eHarmony user who is excited to make the switch to LuvDrunk. “Everyone on eHarmony acts like they shit rainbows. Well, last night I got in a fistfight with a tree and lost. Every morning I come into work with the same Starbucks cup filled with cheap vodka. I’m tired of waking up in an empty, piss-soaked bed. Where’s my princess?”

Fortunately for singles like Barrister, beta testing of LuvDrunk has shown early signs of success.

“I met Penny four months ago, or maybe like a year,” writes LuvDrunk user Sal in a testimonial, “Other women would try to change me, trying to make me go to some restaurant or something. Julie drove right onto my lawn and we shared a romantic couple of boxes of wine in the basement, and that’s why we’re so genuinely compatible, that lying bitch.”

According to CEO Neil Clark Warren, the changes made to the original algorithm were minimal, as both sites operate on the premise that all people are entitled to a healthy relationship without needing to make any efforts at self-improvement.