Entertainment Journalists Feign Incredulousness at Oscar Nominations

HOLLYWOOD — Entertainment journalists everywhere feigned incredulousness and shock as the 2013 Academy Awards nominations were announced Thursday morning. While the world of entertainment stood by drooling in anticipation for their favorites being honored, journalists hoped some of the popular picks would be shut out so they would be able to add dramatic flair to their reporting.

“I was hoping that Ben Affleck wouldn’t be nominated for directing ‘Argo’,” said Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush. “I mean, he’s a great guy and he deserved to be nominated, but I have spent thousands of dollars rehearsing with a coach to perfect my head shakes, ‘tsks’ and ‘No Ben Affleck’ speech for a week now. I’m glad I took that gamble”.

Extra’s Mario Lopez agreed, “thank GOD John Hawkes was shut out of the Best Actor category. He’s been touted all year, I mean, really built up. I’ve been practicing holding my mouth agape in mock horror for months now and I finally get to use it!”

Until the Oscars air on February 24th, entertainment reporters will be practicing their stunned reactions and hoping Daniel Day Lewis is robbed of his third Academy Award. “That would just be golden,” said Billy Bush. “So, so golden.”

Here’s a list of shut outs from this year’s nominees, so you can pretend to be appalled (don’t worry if you haven’t seen many of them, neither has anyone else):

Best Picture:
Moonrise Kingdom
Something popular, like The Hobbit
Skyfall
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Best Actor:
John Hawkes, The Sessions
Actor who played a cripple
Richard Gere, Arbitrage
Bill Murray, Hyde Park On Hudson

Best Actress:
Marion Cotillard, Rust and Bone
Helen Mirren, Hitchcock
Meryl Streep, In anything
Whoever played a hooker

Best Supporting Actress:
Any of the other women besides Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Judy Dench, Skyfall
Nicole Kidman, The Paperboy

Best Supporting Actor:
Javier Bardem, Skyfall
An older, British actor with 20 nominations and no wins
Ewan McGregor, The Impossible
Leonardo DiCaprio, Django Unchained

Best Director:
“Always overlooked, man!” Quentin Taratino, Django Unchained
Ben Affleck, Argo
Katherine Bigelow, Zero Dark Thirty
Peter Jackson, The Hobbit
Tom Hooper, Les Miserables