DALLAS — Last week, after numerous threats of secession, thousands of Texans were discovered writing passive-aggressive goodbye notes and filling backpacks with non-perishable food items. Federal officials assure that the runaway secession attempt was successfully thwarted and that the entire state of Texas will remain grounded and unable to leave the union or go on Facebook for an indefinite period of time.
The state of Texas has a proud tradition of running away from home. In fact, the state was conceived from the Republic of Texas, which had seceded from Mexico years earlier. In 1845 Congress granted Texas statehood but the acts of teenage rebellion were far from over. When Texas was just 15 years old, the state attempted to secede again during the Civil War.
When addressing the question of further secession attempts and misbehavior from Texas, Federal officials confess they are not quite sure what to do with the brooding state.
“The United States has a lot to do already without having to worry about one rebellious state,” says Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “We’re in the middle of a war, we’re trying to rebuild our economy. If Texas keeps this crap up we might just give them back to Mexico.”
While the threat of returning to Mexico has been enough to keep Texas passive for the last few days, and current negotiations are underway for the recovery of Facebook privileges, federal officials say they will have their eye on Texas and warn they will not be as lenient next time.