Repeatedly stating, “The future ain’t what it used to be,” newly confirmed Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt on Saturday told attendees at the Conservative Political Action Conference that they are “justified” in wanting to see the agency eliminated. “I think people across this county look at the EPA much as they do look at the IRS,” the former GOP congressman from oil-friendly Oklahoma told the appreciative crowd. According to Pruitt, the Obama administration went too far and has damaged the energy industry and that it was right to feel justified to want to see the agency reined in if not gutted.
“I honestly wouldn’t feel comfortable blaming anyone who’d want to throw a truckload of Molotovs at the EPA headquarters,” he told the crowd. “And if we’re being 100 percent out there, heck, I’d probably be right there with them. Unfortunately – or luckily, depending on how you want to look at it – I’m now in charge of things, which could either end up being the best thing that could have happened, or the worst. The fact to the matter is, the energy industry has suffered greatly because of my liberal predecessor, whom I will not name on this occasion. However, many aren’t aware of the fact that that’s not even the worst part of it. There’s a greater damage that was caused by the EPA in the past couple of years.”
Asked to elaborate on his comment, Pruitt argued that millions of Americans “are now infatuated” by the climate change fake news, “which is essentially nothing more than a conspiracy theory designed to enable more funding for the EPA’s former executives.” “If you think about it, the whole point of the agency existing in the first place makes a lot more sense when you consider the fact that our planet is supposedly dying out and that something has to be done quickly in order to turn things around,” he added. “In reality, it’s nothing more than a rumor that has served its purpose well as far as the former management is concerned. In the long term, however, it has caused immeasurable damage among conservative Americans, many of whom have completely reinvented their lifestyles because they’re such huge patriots who love their country to death.”
“What’s more, if that should prove to be the will of the people, I will gladly step down from my position and will help dismantle everything the EPA has stood for all this time. However, I ask that another agency be established in its place, as a monument to the ever-lasting American ideal that, even though we’re pretty stupid sometimes, at least we don’t stay stupid for long. The new agency might be called something like ‘Never Again Enterprises,’ and would be established with the sole purpose of hunting down and debunking conspiracy theories that aim to unsettle the American way of life. I don’t have to be chairman or even a board member. A couple thousand shares as payment for my efforts would be nice, though,” he concluded by making his suggestion.