Eric Holder Threatens Entire Family with Drone Strikes

WASHINGTON – “It’ll probably happen around Easter,” said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder in a letter to Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY). “I mean, I can’t say that it’ll definitely happen, but if it were going to happen, I think I’d feel an imminent threat around Easter.”

Talking on drone strikes and the use of executive authority to assassinate U.S. citizens Holder told Paul, “Yes, the administration could hypothetically attack an U.S. citizen — say, my family — on American soil.”

“I mean, it’d be an extraordinary circumstance, so no promises. Again, I’m reiterating, it might not happen, but if a drone strike were to happen, it could be on my uncle. He’s a jackass and he drinks too much.”

“My son,” Holder continued, “has been skipping lots of chores lately and got a C in Chemistry. I’d be totally within my rights to drop a bomb on him. I mean, the President would be within his rights to drop a bomb on him. Not me, the President.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney remarked, “We are certainly talking in hypotheticals here. To kill an American citizen they’d have to be labeled an enemy combatant and pose an imminent threat to national security. I can’t define any of those terms for you. We need the flexibility to shape those definitions as we see fit.”

Carney continued, “Let me give you an example. Eric Holder’s mother-in-law is an ass. Talking to her is like war. Therefore, she’s an enemy combatant. Now that I’ve proven she is, the constitution gives me the right to drop a big ol’ bomb on her house.”

Paul responded to Holder’s letter asking for definition of exactly what the “extraordinary circumstances” would be that could justify such an attack. Holder replied, “Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Christmas 1992, my daughter’s first band recital, or bingo night at my mother’s retirement home, to name a few.”

Asked for his definition of “imminent threat” Holder replied, “Oh you know, like my mother is a threat to my sanity. My wife’s been withholding sex from me, that’s an imminent threat. So is my sister telling my for the fortieth time how great her kids are. I work in the fucking White House, I’m not impressed. Varsity soccer, whoop-de-doo. I am a powerful man.”