Eric Trump: “If Miss Piggy Had Played Her Cards Rights, She Could Have Been My Stepmom; Instead, She Chose To Get Fat”

There were many soundbite moments during the presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, but one of the highlights arrived near the end when Clinton referenced Alicia Machado, who Trump once described as “Miss Piggy” after her weight gain. Machado, 39, was crowned Miss Universe in 1996, the first year Trump had owned the pageant. The Venezuela native described Trump as a “bully” in a May interview with “Inside Edition.”

As was to be expected, another member of the Trump Army came to the rescue, guns blazing, in an attempt to justify the patriarch’s words and shift the blame elsewhere. “There is absolutely no truth whatsoever in what that woman is saying,” said Eric Trump, Donald Trump’s second son and a self-proclaimed ‘businessman.’ “Everybody knows that this year is officially the let’s-see-who-gets-to-talk-the-most-dirt-about-Donald-Trump year, and the Democrats are paying – handsomely, I might add – for every bad word that gets said about my father. He doesn’t mind at all, he’s used to it. But my siblings and I never let that sort of thing slide, ever.”

Trump’s ever-vocal offspring also took a page from his father’s handbook on shifting blame, and argued that the former Miss Universe recently got an American passport “the only way she knew how – by opening her legs, and then her mouth.” “There’s a word for women like that, and it’s gold digger,” the Republican presidential candidate’s second son said. “I’ll bet that’s also how she won the pageant, and when my father saw her for what she really was, she decided to talk trash about him because he was about to expose her. But I don’t need to say anything else, I have faith that Americans have learned by now what to think about and why they shouldn’t believe illegal immigrants.”

“And that’s exactly what she was and why she’s going to vote for Hillary Clinton,” he continued. “She was an illegal immigrant then and she’s still one now, in my eyes and everyone else’s. Yet, here’s what I’m confused about. She had the opportunity to become my stepmother back then; all she had to do was shut up and look pretty. My dad would have married her on the spot and then she wouldn’t have had to wait all these years and sleep with God-knows-who in order to get an American passport. If she’d played her cards right back then, she would have made it. Instead, she chose to get fat and do it the hard way.”

Eric Trump also added that it’s “probably better things happened the way that they have,” because otherwise his father could have ended up marrying a woman who was “going to vote for the Democrats all along.” “And that doesn’t bode well for a man who’s as wealthy as my father is. If you think about it, even if they’d have no kids, he’d still have to pay alimony for all that food she stuffed down her throat. And judging by the weight she put on after winning the pageant – she ate so much food, you could have fed half of Africa with it. And then still have plenty left for seconds,” he concluded.