LAKE FOREST, Calif. — A group of influential evangelical leaders held a joint press conference today at Saddleback Church, home of uber-evangelical phenom Rick Warren, to urge the Ugandan Parliament to consider altering the latest version of their controversial “Kill the Gays” legislation to a more palatable “Maim the Gays” bill.
“Jesus teaches us to love our fellow man,” remarked Warren, author of the best-selling book The Purpose Driven Life. “And while he probably didn’t mean to be taken quite so literally, I believe executing those who love their fellow man and/or woman in the Biblical sense is bordering on taking His words out of context.”
With Warren at the press conference were the three American evangelicals many credit with encouraging the Ugandan government into crafting the draconian legislation back in 2009: President of Abiding Truth Ministries Scott Lively, Don Schmierer of Exodus International, and Sexual Reorientation Coach Caleb Lee Brundidge.
“Being gay is a horrible affront in the eyes of God, and those who engage in such satanical activities will most certainly burn in the fires of Hell for all of eternity,” said Lively. “But killing them? Really? That just seems harsh.”
“We feel that a more humane punishment such as the forced amputation of a favored limb, the severing of an ear, or the removal of an eye would certainly be cruel enough to get the point across,” agreed Schmierer. “Actually killing them borders on the barbaric. If you want to be poetic with your punishment, consider surgically attaching razor blades in a circle around the anus. That way if the vile pagan were to…well…you have to think that would nip it in the bud.”
The three men came under fire in 2010 and 2011 when an earlier version of the bill made its way to the floor of the Ugandan Parliament. Though the bill was eventually tabled due to International pressure, it was obvious from their tone that the three men weren’t thrilled with being dragged back out into the limelight.
“Come on people,” begged Brundidge. “Didn’t we do this last year? Christ!”
“All we’re saying is, killing gay people, as much as you may want to, just gives evangelical Christians a bad name,” said Warren. “It doesn’t help anyone to see a New York Times headline reading ‘10,000 gay people murdered in Uganda.’”
“But 10,000 maimed? Nobody notices!” Added Lively.