WASHINGTON — Citizens of the United States have once again gotten their big, stupid hopes up just to have them smashed into tiny pieces by the federally-funded cocktease we call NASA. The space program toyed with the hearts and minds of the country earlier this week by indicating that Mars rover Curiosity had made a revelatory discovery, only to later reveal that they were simply excited about the Curiosity’s expedition in general, just like the rest of us earthbound losers.
“Look, most of us know to keep our excitement in check. We don’t go around talking like a bunch of alien-conspiracy nutcases every time the Curiosity sees its own reflection,” explains high school physics teacher and self-described “NASA fan” Barry Leaventhall. “It’s just that the Internet kept saying this Curiosity discovery was ‘one for the history books,’ and the phrase was batted around so goddamn much that last night I dreamt David Duchovny discovered a hologram of E.T. inside the moon.”
Many devotees of the space program say they feel jerked around by the institution in a way other government agencies cannot rival. Dr. Sadie Wender, a philosophy professor and subscriber to the NASA Twitter feed acknowledges, “I don’t let the Bureau of Transportation Statistics get my hopes up like this. I don’t get all crestfallen when the Appalachian Regional Commission fails to deliver on a project. But every time NASA comes calling, I’m like a goddamn dog that hears his leash jangling by the door. If I went out with a girl that treated me the way NASA did, my friends would totally intervene. But every time you think it’s going to be a silicon-based life form or whatever, there goes NASA, replacing all your childhood dreams of an alien friends with a little frozen water.”
