MAYFLOWER, Ark. — In an unexpected move of corporate generosity that stunned local residents and media alike, Exxon Mobil has kindly donated 12,000 barrels of crude oil to the community of Mayflower, population 2000. The company has taken care of all the logistics, conveniently delivering the oil right to the residents’ doorsteps.
“Normally, we are not in the distribution business on a such small scale. But something about this quaint, pristine community really touched us,” quipped an Exxon spokesman. “These folks deserve it, and we can just write it off as a charitable donation. It feels good to give something back.”
Mayflower residents were rendered speechless by Exxon’s generosity. “Are you effin’ kidding me? Are they for real? Words fail me right now,” exclaimed one grateful member of the community.
Indeed, the gift amounts to 6 barrels per resident – enough for each to run a car for several months. Off-course crude oil cannot be used directly in engines of any sort, as it would cause irreparable damage, but that is a small detail in this feel-good tale of company-community togetherness.
“Exxon will move on to blacker, oilier pastures, but the town of Mayflower will forever be touched by their generosity,” read a PR release prepared by Exxon. “When the biggest of oil companies reaches out to the smallest of communities like this, you know the love and generosity that is the lifeblood of this country is still coursing strongly through its veins, pulsing like oil through a pipeline – in slow, black globs.”
The generous gift also had some unexpected health benefits for the Mayflower residents, encouraging many to quit smoking.
“Now that I can see my reflection in the lawn, every time I step out on the porch for a cigarette, it really makes me take a look at myself and reconsider lighting up,” confessed Steve Petrol, a local father. “It’s the excuse I’ve needed all this time to quit.”
Update: They delivered home refining units that turn every household into a petrochemical plant! If all goes well, they’re considering rolling out this industry innovation across the state.
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