Fans Mourn Time before Obama, Kerry, and Hagel Sold Out

WASHINGTON — As the Obama administration makes their case for military intervention in Syria, diehard followers of President Obama, Secretary of State John Kerry, and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel— “The Big Three” to Beltway fans—have accused the trio of abandoning their roots for riches and fame.

“I used to love those guys,” said Sarah Sprout of Brooklyn. “Before Obama was killing hundreds of civilians with drone attacks and defending domestic spying. He and Kerry did their best stuff as Senators.”

“Those guys were so raw back in ’06,” said William Guzzi of San Francisco. “Now they’ve totally gone conventional: locking up whistleblowers, [and] starting wars in Middle Eastern countries.”

Guzzi noted that Obama made no attempt to get U.N. approval for striking Syria, an example of “what happens when you go through the national machine.”

Guzzi, who “votes for a lot of politicians that [Newslo] probably never heard of,” says he wasn’t surprised. “I said it back in ’08: when you get signed to a national ticket, it’s all over. You sell your principles for the almighty vote. If you want to see good politics, go local.”

Andrew Poole, who first got into Obama when he was a state senator, agreed. “Those three were the real deal when they came up during the ‘00s. Chuck Hagel once sponsored legislation to begin withdrawing troops from Iraq. Fast-forward to today, Chuck is pitching military intervention in Syria to Congress.”

“Hell, even Nancy Pelosi says she now supports military action in Syria,” Poole said. “Just another traitor to the scene.”

Boston resident and longtime Kerry fan Frank Lemon told Newslo, “In ’03, all my friends discovered John Kerry. I knew then that the guy went mainstream and it was only a matter of time before he started sucking.”

“Did you hear Kerry’s latest speech?” asked Lemon. “It was the worst he’s ever given, and naturally everybody dug it. It’s pretty depressing.”

“His rawest stuff was his 1971 Congressional testimony when he urged withdrawal from Vietnam—that’s some heavy shit you should check out.”

At least one Big Three backer, Scott Colliton, disagreed. “If by ‘sell-out’ you mean Obama sold-out every stadium he campaigned in during ’08 and ’12, then yeah, he’s a sell-out. So a few punks can’t deal with the fact that our boys are the hottest ticket in town. Screw the haters. A sell-out is just somebody more successful than you.”