Fidel Castro Stages Coup in Hospice

HAVANA — Despite his declining health, communist revolutionary and Cuban leader Fidel Castro has managed to overthrow management and staff at the hospice in which he resides, promising to install a more equitable system in its place.

Castro, 86, served as leader of Cuba under various titles before turning over presidential powers to his brother Raúl in July, 2006, after facing unexplained health issues. Since then, he has made few public appearances, but his latest coup d’etat shows his intention to take his anti-imperialist and egalitarian views to the grave, the location of which was decided upon months ago.

“They get like this sometimes,” said Nina Famosa, a caretaker at the hospice. “But everyone here is already treated pretty fairly: three liquid meals a day, a weekly sponge bath, and no one will attempt to restart your heart if it fails.”

Standing in the middle of the recreation room, Castro grabbed a nearby nurse by the scrubs and declared in Spanish: “Now is the time for revolution, my brothers! No longer will we be kept beneath the heel of the greedy bourgeoisie!”

Castro then paused to stare, wild-eyed, at the blank television screen to his left.

While the socialist revolutionary gathered few vocal supporters among the other hospice residents – whose reactions ranged from resigned to accepting of their inevitable fate – employees were glad to see that Castro “has still got it.”

“That part when he told Reagan and all the other U.S. presidents who wanted him dead that progress was on his side – that was inspirational,” said one nurse, prepping a large syringe. “Nina called it anachronistic, but I think he might actually be halfway on the ‘other side’ already.”

At press time, the revolution was reportedly quelled once Castro had been successfully sedated with a large dosage of the tranquilizer Clonazepam.