First-Time Pot User Falls to Death After Encountering Gravity

DENVER, Colo. – On March 11, first-time marijuana user, Levi Thamba Pongi, died of injuries sustained after falling from a fourth floor balcony at the Holiday Inn.  After thorough examination, spokeswoman for the Denver medical examiner’s office, Michelle Weiss-Samaras, implicated gravity as “a significant condition” contributing to the accident.

Pongi, along with three friends from Northwest College in Powell, Wyo., planned to spend a peaceful spring break in Denver eating marijuana-filled cookies.  While the others continued to pass out and crawl around on the floor looking for leftover pizza, Pongi became fixated on the aftereffects of drinking a Red Bull.  He “went off the wall,” Weiss-Samaras said, “believing he had wings.”

Moments later, after diving over the balcony railing, Pongi would come face to face with gravity.  “We’re still looking into the exact moment Pongi went over the railing,” Weiss-Samaras said.  “We’re currently operating under the theory that Pongi began accelerating downward at 9.8m/s2. National databases are being searched for any similar instances that can shed further light on this tragedy.”

Anti-pot advocates are quick to point out that marijuana, and not gravity, is the real culprit here.  Others, like former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, are calling for a ban on all cookies nationwide.  Sadly, personal political agendas are keeping both groups from seeing the larger picture.

A national epidemic of gravity has befallen our nation.  No longer are Americans free to flout the rules of basic physics.  New York Times columnist Malcolm Gladwell, who has had nothing to do with this investigation, knows the truth.  “It’s quite clear what’s happened here,” Gladwell said.  “Since we know Pongi was alive before jumping over the railing and deceased after jumping over the railings, one can only conclude that this railing is indeed a tipping point of some serious gravity.”