TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The agrarian society of Florida this week unveiled its new, extensive fleet of carrier pigeons intended to reconnect the state to the outside world after the State Legislature passed House Bill 155 in April, which was worded so vaguely that it effectively outlaws the Internet.
“These majestic birds will fly far and wide to bring us news of the pagan-worshipping, technologically-addicted world outside our borders,” announced Republican Governor Rick Scott. “I fully expect that once our people get to know our feathered minions, they’ll fall in love with their quaint flappings and bird-droppings and stop bitching about being cut off from Reddit.”
Scott then asked the recorder to read back his words to ensure they had been properly sent down, and then personally tied them to a small, white bird who he then shoved out a window.
“Fly, sweet messenger,” he said. “Inform the populace.”
The carrier pigeons are the latest attempt to replace the economically-killing communications blackout which ensued shortly after Governor Scott signed HB 155, which passed overwhelmingly in both chambers. The bill was originally intended to ban all slot machines and Internet cafes after a charity tied to former Lt. Governor Jennifer Carroll was implicated in an Internet gambling scandal.
Unfortunately, the hastily-crafted legislation defined illegal slot machines as any “system or network of devices” that could be used in a game of chance, which had the unintended consequence of banning the entire state’s access to the Internet. Two days after the ban went into effect, much of Florida was in ruins as flames spread across the state and roving bands of Angry Birds fanatics sling-shotted random household pets through the windows of government buildings.
One of the bill’s authors, Republican Representative Janet Adkins, was struck in the head by a ferret as she and other representatives barricaded themselves in the capital. “This is madness!” she cried, wiping blood and ferret musk from her eyes. “We’re all going to die!” She then attempted to eat fellow Republican Representative Michael Bileca before being dragged to the ground.
Governor Scott hopes his new carrier pigeon fleet will restore order to his lawless land. The project, projected to cost over 50,000 Florida virgins, will hopefully prove more workable than his last idea, which involved setting up a state-wide system of pneumatic tubes.
“Yeah, the tubes. I don’t know what I was thinking,” said the Governor. “Truth be told, I’m not sold on how well the pigeon thing’s going to work out, especially as a number of our residents are already setting up duck blinds outside major government buildings to hunt the birds for food.”
Continued Scott, “If only there was some other way to bring communication, entertainment, commerce, and society in general into every home in Florida at a fraction of the cost of a carrier pigeons. Besides the Internet, I mean. Because that’s illegal. Frankly if this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what we’ll do. We’re running out of virgins.”