Foolish GOP Senator Backs Gay Marriage for No Personal Gain

WASHINGTON — The Beltway is awash in ridicule and mocking laughter as Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) has shifted her position to support gay marriage, despite the fact that doing so does not provide any direct benefit to her personally, nor to any friend, family member, or large campaign contributor.

“Get a load of Little Miss Principals,” said Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell as he read Murkowski’s statement to a doubled over and tearing up bipartisan assembly in the Senate Dining Room.  “My God, it’s all ‘fairness’ and ‘personal freedom’ – she even invokes the name of Reagan, Peace Be upon Him.  For her sake I hope she has a lesbian cousin who runs an Alaskan gay wedding catering business.”

Some have suggested that Murkowski is showing solidarity with Mark Kirk (IL), another GOP senator who has changed position on marriage equality.  “I wouldn’t put too much stock in anything Slurry McChangeMyMind says these days,” said Max Baucus (D-Mt.), referencing the fact that Kirk changed his mind after he had suffered a serious stroke.

“HEY” said Chuck Schumer (D-NY).  “That kind of remark is in poor taste, hurtful, and not what the American people expect from their elected representatives’.  After a pause, Schumer exclaimed “Gotcha!” and the rest of the table erupted in laughter.

Private equity executive Ken Mehlman also seemed bewildered by Murkowski’s apparently selfless stance.  “When I ran the Bush/Cheney 2004 campaign,” he explained, “I pushed to make a federal ban on same-sex marriage a centerpiece of our re-election battleSure, as a gay man it meant I had to stay in the closet and slam the door shut on myself, but that’s how I got to be the RNC Chair.  And all it cost was my dignity.”  Today Mehlman is a staunch supporter of marriage equality, but bristles at being called a flip –flopper. “My agenda has always been clear: Hobbesian self-interest.  What is she hiding?”  When it was suggested that she simply wants to treat others as she would wish to be treated herself, Mehlman responded with a silent, blank stare

Murkowski is the third member of the Senate GOP to support marriage equality. She follows Senator Rob Portman of Ohio, who switched positions earlier this year just because he learned his son was homosexual – a reason that even Murkowski said “is kinda gay.”