For The Truly Lazy: Last Minute Holiday Gifts

No gift this year? Spent all your money on booze or shoes? No problem! These crappy crafty holiday gifts will make people think you spent a lot of time planning their presents. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to give what they think is a thoughtful gift.  Remember, if it’s hand made, it gives the illusion you care!

  1. Window Cookie: Buy some gingerbread men cookies and stick one in a CD envelope with clear round window. Take a red pen and write “Home For The Holidays!” like it’s his house.  If it breaks, it’s just a friggin’ cookie. It’s not like he died. Good for multiple gifts for those people who don’t mean that much to you.
  2. Festive Holiday Crisps:  Get a can of Pringles and cover it in glue. Wind some green and red ribbon around it until you can’t tell it’s a Pringles can. Look at that!  Festive “crisps” like the Brits have! Extra holiday fun for you: unseal the can and fart in it; then quickly replace the top. Make sure you’re there when they open it!
  3. Classic Christmas Wine:  Find the cheapest wine you can.  Tear off the label.  Find an image of a Christmas tree or Santa or some shit and print it out on a large mailing label.  Stick it on the wine.  If you don’t have a label, print on regular paper and glue it on.  Write something nice and make sure to use an exclamation point to show your excitement about the holiday.  As long as they never see that it’s Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill or homemade toilet wine, you’re good. 
  4. Santa and Reindeer Family:  Go to the Dollar store and buy $10 worth of tiny, soft plastic, probably-cancer-causing toys.  Get eight reindeer (forget Rudolph) and one Santa.  Pierce each one clean through with a nail and run a piece of string through them all, knotting at the end.  Stick hooks through the tops of their heads.   Have the gift card read “A little family for yours!”  If they are not impressed, tell them you recently fell and hit your head.  Mix up words in conversation.  
  5. Fruitful Ornaments:  Take some oranges, lemons or limes.  Cut them so they are round and kind of thick.  Order a movie or some porn or see if there’s a game on tv.  Bake the rounds at 175 degrees for four hours. Let them cool.  Thread string through the top.  Tell your friends that you hope they have a “fruitful Christmas”.  Laugh a lot at that joke and make a really sweet smile.  If they are still staring blankly, tell them it will “add color” to their tree.
  6. Advent-ageous!:  Cut 24 rectangles out of red construction paper in different sizes.  Fold them in half.   Number them from 1 to 24.  Write cute, festive and happy sayings in each one (it can be as simple as “Smile!” or “You’re Awesome!”). Draw the outline of a Christmas tree (basically, a triangle with a square at the bottom) on a piece of paper.  Glue or tape the pieces of red paper onto the tree.   Stick into a manila envelope.  On the outside, in red marker, write “24 Days ‘Til Christmas!”  Tell the recipient it’s the gift of happiness and hope they truly believe it’s the thought that counts.
  7. DIY Garland:  Grab some clothespins and wrapping paper.  Glue wrapping paper to the top of the clothespins.  Clip the clothespins to a red ribbon.  Include a note that says it’s to hold incoming Christmas cards.  Suggest they hang it from a mantle or banister and then act like you did them a favor.