Fox News Announces Plan to Never Broadcast its Views in Spanish

NEW YORK — With Fox News’ ratings slipping and Hispanics making up an ever-increasing percentage of the American population, Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes has announced that his network will take the bold step of never broadcasting its anti-Hispanic views in Spanish.

“It’s not that we like these people,” said Ailes, “but they do watch television. So, if I need to throw up some Spanish closed captions on and stop using the most inflammatory language possible, I will.”

According to an internal Fox News memo, Ailes has ordered such changes as replacing the phrase “immigrants stealing American jobs” with “the vast majority of immigrants stealing American jobs,” discontinuing the use of the label “illegal immigrants” in favor of “immigrants who are here illegally,” and immediately creating up to five “token Hispanic” positions with the network. Ailes hopes that these and other changes will allow Hispanics to gloss over the network’s core message that paints undocumented Hispanic immigrants as criminals who want to destroy America from within.

“We need to soften our image and stop talking about illegal immigrants- I mean immigrants who are here illegally- so much,” said Executive Vice President of Programming Bill Shine. “For example, we know that Hispanics are all socially conservative, so we’ll start harping on abortion more to find common ground. Over time, I’m confident that will help Hispanics forget our preference that all Spanish-speaking people leave America. They’re an easily-distracted people.”

The new initiative reaches into very aspect of Fox News programming, including established shows such as The O’Reilly Factor (which will be incorporating the Mexican Hat Dance into its theme music) and Fox & Friends (which plans a regularly-scheduled segment entitled “Better Know a Burrito”).

“That ought to do it,” said Ailes.