CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at Harvard University have pinpointed the biological cause of the human male’s disturbing decline in American society.
The research, funded by the Fox News Partnership for a Post-Feminist Society, offers great promise in the race to cure the nation’s “wimps, wussies, metrosexuals, and latte-sipping progressives” of their dangerous weaknesses.
The news network’s health unit has long been tracking the “disturbing trend” towards “wussification.” Over the past year, Fox News anchors and contributors have pointed the finger at everything from the firing of abusive coaches, to co-ed sports teams, to common core math standards, paid internships, and yoga for children.
But thanks to the cutting-edge work of a team of “effete eggheads who would much rather read books than play contact sports,” the root of the problem has become clear.
According to the lead author on the study, which was published in the Journal of Men and Masculinities, individuals with certain variations of the so-called COMT gene are more altruistic, sensitive to others’ needs, and “generally less dickish” than those with another variation of the gene (called Met/Met).
Elisabeth Hasselbeck of Fox News assured viewers that addressing the subjugation of “real men” is something that they are “working on together,” along with Harvard’s help.
Having identified the gene responsible for emasculating Americans, the research community is now attempting to develop a new therapy to restore the “misogynistic spirit on which the country was built.”
Timing here is crucial, as the “war on men” continues to put the country at risk.
Asked whether wussification could affect national security, Australian author Nick Adams told Hasselbeck, “Absolutely…Weeps and wussies deliver mediocrity. And men win. And what America’s always been is about winning. So I think it’s pivotal to the health of the country.”
Continued Adams, “The only thing that can stop a bad guy with an unhealthy taste for arugula is a good guy with a gun, beer, and the good sense to know when to put a woman in her place with a cutting remark or the back of his hand.”