NEW YORK – Fox News, the enormously successful organization best known for its “Fair and Balanced” approach and record setting ratings, has announced that all of its popular news programming will soon be replaced by new reality shows.
When asked why a thriving organization would make such a surprising decision, President Roger Ailes told reporters, “Look, we have conquered the mountain that is cable news, and it’s time to move on. You can only humiliate Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews for so long before it gets boring. We need a new challenge.” Ailes assured the press that “we’re not losing our character. Viewers will get the same amount of patriotic, God-fearing indignation from Fox Reality that they got from Fox News.”
Ailes then proceeded to unveil the concepts for several of the reality shows to be featured next season. The first surefire hit, “Survivor: Obama Island,” will air on Tuesdays at 9pm. The show places twelve castaways on a remote island in the Pacific, where they must endure the cruel conditions of a nation where Obama has been re-elected. Contestants will face obstacles such as healthcare death panels, long and arduous “tax hikes” across ravaged terrain, and “a lot of gay people.” Each week, after fraudulent voting, one contestant will be “aborted” off the island.
The old time slot of “The O’Reilly Factor” will now belong to “Fear Factor: Senior Citizens Edition,” which will pit four intrepid seniors against each other in a variety of terrifying challenges. In a promotional clip, a group of seniors are shown waiting for over 90 minutes at a doctor’s office while Obamacare recipients stream past them listening to extremely loud house music.
Wednesdays at 8pm will feature “So You Think You Can Vote.” In this heartwarming show, contestants engage in a cutthroat competition to see who can disenfranchise the most low-income, minority, and democrat-leaning voters. The structure is similar to the later stages of American Idol, except contestants try to receive the fewest votes possible rather than the most.
In an intriguing collaboration with MTV, Fox News will also present its brand new, “The Real Estate World: Miami,” on Fridays at 8pm. The show follows a group of complete strangers, all white upper-middle class real estate agents, who are thrown into a house to compete and conflict for two whole months. Watch the drama unfold as the characters drink moderately, stay in touch with their families, and make sound fiscal decisions to increase the property value of the show.
While Fox News has only revealed these four shows so far, Ailes assured viewers that there is much more in development. Before the end of the year, people can expect to hear more details about new titles, including “The Bachelor: Herman Cain,” “Guess Ann Coulter’s Gender,” and “AAAHHHHHHH!!!”—30 minutes of commercial-free screaming between Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.