Fred Phelps Shocked to Wind Up in Hell

HELL – Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps, whose death on March 19 was confirmed by his children Tim Phelps and Shirley Phelps-Roper, was reportedly shocked to discover that he will be spending all of eternity burning in Hell.

“There must be some mistake!” screamed Phelps in agony as ravenous crows plucked out his eyeballs. “God hates fags! I’m not a fag! Why is this happening to me?”

Phelps, who offended nearly every human being on Earth with his particular brand of government-protected hate speech by picketing prominent funerals including those of fallen American soldiers, was then doubled over a barbed-wire fence and repeatedly sodomized by scabby, puss-covered minions of Satan.

“I tell ya, we’ve been salivating over this one for years,” said the Dark Lord. “Everyone whose funeral he and his ilk have ever defiled is waiting in line to get some serious payback. You won’t believe some of the things these people have in store for the guy. I’m talking serious Inquisition-style nastiness. It’s enough to bring tears to my eye.”

“But I’m righteous and holy!” screamed Phelps as waves of leeches devoured him from the inside out. “Oh dear God, will the pain never end?”

“Nope,” answered Satan.