French Military Weighs New Orleans Invasion

PARIS — Sources inside the French government indicate that high-ranking members of the military are considering a plan to invade New Orleans, Louisiana, and tackle the crime problem there by force. Although New Orleans is located in the United States—a sovereign nation that is in no way subject to French governance or supervision—generals behind the plan believe sending troops into the city is “totally cool, [since] we used to own it and whatnot.”

A French Corps General—who was barred from giving his name by French military policy—told Newslo, “Obviously, New Orleans is having a problem getting its merde together. It’s one of the most dangerous cities in your whole uptight country. We’re confident we can correct its problems with a few brigades or so.”

“We actually feel it’s our obligation to intervene,” the Corps General continued. “Prior to 1803 and the ‘Louisiana Purchase’—we call it the ‘Louisiana Sell’—we owned all that land. So, clearly, anything that happens there is our personal business.”

If implemented, the plan would not be the first time French forces have invaded a former-colony. Earlier this year, the French began military operations in Mali—a country on the west coast of Africa which until the mid-twentieth century existed under French colonial rule—ostensibly in an effort to root out Islamist terrorists there.

“Nobody stopped us in Mali,” a military official said. “So it’s looking like we can do pretty much whatever we want.”

“Our boys in uniform are excited to see Bourbon Street,” the official said. “We’re hoping to time the invasion to coincide with Mardi Gras. Sure, there’s ample nudity in France, but American boobs are just more exciting, somehow. Plus, there’s a lot less pit-hair.”